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| Building intimacy is an ongoing process! |
Developing connected relationships with those around us is a critical part of having a meaningful life. As much as many of us might like the idea of emotional intimacy, it isn’t always easy to create. One reason for this is that intimacy is all about being known—and that entails some vulnerability through sharing about who we are, how we feel. Intimacy is also about knowing the other person, hearing and seeing another’s perceptions, experiences, places of commonality and those of major differences, including perhaps things that are hard to hear.
Intimacy can also be challenging because people are not static beings—we are ever changing and having more life experiences. So in a sense, intimacy is not just about getting to know another and be known by him/her, but about the ongoing process of knowing ourselves, knowing others, and the sharing of that experience relationally.
So how do we go about building greater intimacy in relationships with those around us? Courage and curiosity are essential qualities you need to call upon. Have the courage to risk some sharing of yourself, and have the curiosity to reach for the other person’s experience through your questions. Ulitmately, you want to ask questions and listen to what it is like to be the other person, and help them to know what it is like to be you in the world.
When couples in my counselling practice are looking to build their intimacy, here are some examples of questions I might give for homework. The questions should be asked of and shared by each partner about how they see things in a back and forth dialogue together.
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