When life happens in a way that is overwhelming on a large scale, or when we are experiencing the usual ups and downs of day to day living, it is so important to have strategies for staying grounded. Today I want to highlight a psychological concept that is key in this regard: self-soothing. The importance of soothing goes back to our childhood days and the need for a kind of warm, caring, and protected experience when we encountered the unpredictabilities and stressors of the world.
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| Soothing is as much about attitude as it is activity |
While soothing might be an ideal response toward children when they are distressed, what we each experienced (or not) as responses at home may not always have been ideal. In part, this is why many people do not really know how to go about self-soothing—it may simply not have been modeled. In addition, as children develop and grow (unfortunately, especially so for boys), they may get social messages that equate soothing to being infantile. But soothing is a normal and healthy response to distress and has nothing to do with gender or age. In fact, it is just as essential to have this strategy in our toolbox as adults!
In therapy, some clients will comment that they soothe themselves by doing something like exercise or watching T.V., or using alcohol or drugs; as such, they are confusing soothing with distraction. Distraction can indeed be a useful strategy for some situations, but soothing involves a connection with the self, whereas distraction takes us away from ourselves. As such, it tends to be of limited usefulness, particularly in the longer run. Often, we rely primarily on distraction as a means to cope with distress, we will end up feeling like we have to keep running from part of ourselves.
So, how can you go about incorporating soothing into your life? First, consider all the different ways you can be gentle and nurturing to yourself. Soothing is not just about “doing something”—like having a warm bath. It is equally about the attitude you pair with the activity. Soothing requires that you tune into what you are saying to yourself and ease away from being critical. Now is the time for permission and easing up any restrictive self-talk. Acknowledge the sense of distress—move away from blaming yourself to being more responsive to yourself.
Second, consider some possible activities you could try—going for a walk, visiting a place you feel safe and positive associations with, brewing hot tea, talking with a trusted friend, asking for and receiving hugs, and writing in a journal are a few ideas to consider. See if you can come up with a list of things you already do and add a few new ones in! Experiment and practice building your self-soothing capacity.
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